i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
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Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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