Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
