I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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