Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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