my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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