if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
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You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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