Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i drank out of a bidet.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
