I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
