remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
