So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
