can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
