The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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