Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He kissed a someone with a penis
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
