Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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