dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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