I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
