The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
