The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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