I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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