Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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