Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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