he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
