i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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