Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
