Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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