i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My ATM looks so different sober.
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Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
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I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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