I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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