my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
