My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
