3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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