so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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