he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
