I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
