My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
