note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
