I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
