just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
