who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
