my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
