I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
