there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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