You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
