Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
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I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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