So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
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You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Come on in and take your pants off
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