I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
