i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
