ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
