i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
if only i could text you this smell
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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