I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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