I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
