I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
