Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
