She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
