I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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