I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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