well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
