I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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