Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
