I think I won the penis lottery.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Btw I puked in your glovebox
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
