the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
