I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
