you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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