i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.