called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
