My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
