Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
